That Girl Named Phil

This is one of my newest  ones! :) (P.s. tumblr’s spacing is silly)

“Mother  (Earth)”

I bet

You can’t

Guess what

I did today!

I got –

Dirty.

Down and

Dirty,

Rough and

Gruff with –

Mother Earth.

You see,

I woke up

At the crack

Of dawn,

Rubbed the

Sleep from my

eyes and

Raced outside

To be next

To the woman

That never rests

And never

Stops caring

For her children.

She has more

Stories to share

Than any other

Person I know.

So decided

It was time

I dug up

Her soil coated,

Mineral nurturing

Shell and

felt the embrace

Of her compassion,

As she taught me the

True definition

Of hard work.

I whistled,

Flirting with

The sound of

The early bird’s

Song while

Mother’s

Lessons callused

my palms.

Absorbing

her tales in

swift motions,

I gave back

my appreciation

in every salty

sweat bead,

Dripping onto

Her naked womb.

She gave life

To the very

Elements

That my lungs

Need to survive.

For, she is life.

She is the

Breeze that

Snatches the

Papers from

My fingers –

Simply to remind

Me to hold on

Tight to every

Opportunity

Before it blows

Away.

She is the

Peep hole

in the

neverending

gray cloud

on a rainy day.

Reassuring me

That while it’s

Okay to cry,

She will always

Be that light

I need.

She is the pollen

In the spring

That tickles

my nostrils,

Waking them

From hibernation
So I can inhale

The breath

Of change,

And skip past

Last year’s pain,

Into the blooming

Arrival of warm sunny

Days spent licking

Ice-cream cones

Under her

Oak tree’s

 Protective Shade.

As my shoulders

Knot and twist,

Scraping winter’s

remains

From lonely beds,

I fluff the

Soil sheets

So seeds can

Fornicate and

Breed a new

Generation of life.

Preserving the

Cycle of natural

Growth and

Stability

We’ve forgotten,

While driving

Our mechanical

Cars, over

Suffocating

Cement roads,

Paved with the

Intention to

Disregard our

Mother.

Polluting our minds

With smog

Comprised of

Unidentifiable

Chemicals and

Harmful hazards

That glue us to

Colorful screens.

Breaking down

The brain cells

Spent on higher

Educations we

Found necessary

To toss

Thousands of

Worthless

Paper bills at.

All the while,

Rendering our

Ability to question,

And think for

Ourselves.

Enabling us to be

fast food

Spoon fed

Junkies of

America,

Exchanging change

Through drive-up

windows ,

Plastered with

Fake smiles

Struggling on welfare.

Chomping salty toxins

Into our blood stream,

Because MSG’s

Control our cravings.

Producing more

Disposable waste

To populate the

Already overpopulated

Landfills that smell

As disgusting as

The overly processed

Hormonal livestock

And genetically

Modified fruits

And vegetables

We consider food.

My Mom always said,

“You get what I can provide.”

So why are we wearing

Our mother thin,

Draining the nutrients

From what she has provided

And injecting unnatural

Substances that over produce,

Destroy and pollute the

Home she worked billions

Of years to build for us?

Mother taught

Me as I probed

This dirt patch,

Digging for deeper meaning -

that the tiniest seed

combined with good soil –

Creates life.

Life nourishes the

Body so we can continue living.

So If you continue to disrespect

Our Mother, go find another

Planet to back talk to and

See how well it treats you.

Phil Danielle Sanders

March 10, 2011

copywrite?

Worthless is closer to the definition of sickness if you’re talking about how it ‘feels’ when you’re sick. I rarely get sick and if I do it’s a day of rest then by night - I’m cured and life can carrying on as wonderfully as it did before. Being quarantined in this house is like solitary confinement with slightly more luxuries. A prisoner in my own home that jumps at the chance to feel a slight breeze or get out of bed. Glued in between the sheets - body shaking - aches and pains making sleep impossible - longing to dream away the tremors and fever. Each minute passing by, an hour in perspective time, taking an eternity to heal, to disappear to dreamlands that are more comforting than the groans of pain escaping my dry lips. Unable to lift my head for even a sip of water to hydrate the buds on my tongue and moisturize my insides steaming and on fire. Burning up at a consistent fever of 103-104 from before sunrise to after sunset. My temperature didn’t simmer to a cool 100 degrees, until after midnight. Returning only hours later on a full rampage of muscle spasms and more groans. My head felt like a bowling for every second of every hour for 2 days straight heading into the third day with a little pebble resting inside knocking around - hitting motivation and pushing it further down. I sound like a wimp but when I get sick it hits me harder than my body expects. I have a high pain tolerance but that’s slightly different than painful, uncomfortable body aches for hours on end.

Not to mention, the weather looks so gorgeous. I spent two wonderful days cooped up inside wasting beautiful sunshine. The Sun is calling my name and keeps coaxing me outside to play. Hopefully I can do that today. I dislike with everything inside of me to be trapped between four walls - away from green grass, gentle breezes, the trees and warm rays of sunshine that light up my spirits. When I’m away from the outdoors for too long, I feel completely useless. An unproductive being of society who is wasting valuable time stuck between painted sheetrock and unnatural air. I finally had to open my window when I could get out of bed. I think the breeze is what helped cure me. Also, it doesnt help that I don’t take pain relieving pills. I took 2 asprin at the height of my fever because I had no other option -a fever that high for so long can do serious damage. But I will not take headache meds, cold meds, sleeping meds - NOTHING. Instead I drink tons of water, OJ and tea while eating tons of veggies and crackers.

I am thankful that I had someone here to take care of me - otherwise I could still be sick and very malnourished, considering I had no food nor the energy to refill my water glass. I am also grateful it is almost over but it still doesnt take away the feeling of worthlessness. What did I accomplish in those two days? Nothing. I only watched 1 and 1/2 documentaries that an entire time - so clearly I wasnt educating myself. I couldnt even write let alone lay in the same position for a long period of time. I guess I’m the kind of person that feels the need to be productive or enjoying every second of every day. Not letting a moment or opportunity pass me by. When that doesn’t happen, I get anxiety and worry about all the things that need to be done or that I would like to do and how there never seems to be enough time for both.

Without wasting anymore time, I must prepare myself for society’s eyes and get ready to step outside.

Sun - HERE I COME! :D

Phil

Thus far, vegan is not difficult by any means. There has been a hiccup or two with restaurants - you have to be VERY clear and really only go to the restaurants that have vegan or vegetarian options already. Which I prefer anyways.

I was nervous about sweets and icecream but I have definitely found more alternatives than I should have! Which leads me to my next adventure - detoxing. I am going to try a detox just to get rid of any thing that might be lingering and flush out the mass amounts of sugar and sweets I’ve consumed the last month. (before vegan and now) It seems as though my sweet tooth kicked into high gear as warmer days arrived. I dont have all the ingredients yet so I am not sure if I will be starting the detox today or tomorrow. I will be trying the lemonade cleanse. Seems to be the most well known and many peers have done it (and not succeeded). I love food and I love to cook it so this will be a definite test of my will. Maybe plan on not seeing me for 10 days unless you come visit me. Which leads me to the next endeavor - 10 days - 20 days - 30 days? I’m debating on trying it for longer if I can accomplish the first 10 days. Can’t be that difficult, right?

Oh well. Wish me luck!

Phil

As most of you know, I am a vegetarian. I’ve been vegetarian off and on for years, slacking partly due to surroundings and lack of knowledge on dishes without meat.(And that ridiculous - how are you going to get your protein myth?) Anyways, to get to the point - yesterday marked my start to becoming a vegan. I realized at one of my dinner parties that most everything I make is vegan until it touches my guest’s plates and they top it with some kind of cheese. Other than that, almost every dish has been diary and animal bi-product free. Interesting huh? I didn’t even think about it at first.

So far, looking through recipes, watching documentaries and doing some research - it’s actually not as difficult as people make it out to be. We blame it on the city but really, the only thing I’ve had a difficult time finding at Dillions’ is vegan butter which can easily be found at Whole Foods or Food for Thought. I also noticed that with desserts and baking desserts- I already have all the ingredients in my cabinet and DONT have to use an egg embryo. GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS? I get to eat all the dough I want and NOT get salmonella. Oh boy do I LOVE dough! :D

I have a feeling this will be an easy transition in the cooking department, but eating out is going to be a whole different story. Restaurants here barely cater to vegetarians - let alone vegans. Mo money mo money mo money cause I won’t be spending it out! :P

BUT this means:

No more organic yogurt from Dillions or yogurt at restaurants.

No more gelato or ice-cream from anywhere but my own kitchen.

No more cheese

No more milk chocolate

No more ‘White Russians’

BUT this DOES MEAN:

I can still find delicious yogurt at Whole Foods or Food for Thought or attempt to make my own. Which would be a fun project.

I will now have the motivation to make my own ice-cream, considering I’ve wanted to try for years!

Cheese isnt really THAT great - it’s just one of those extra toppings that’s not really necessary to complete a dish.

Chocolate IS a plant - it’s just milk chocolate that has diary. Dark Chocolate is actually healthy for you and in baking you can use semi-sweet morsels (which i generally already do).

I do love my White Russians but maybe some places will have Soy instead of half and half. If not, hello to saving more money and not being tempted to drink! Which of course, is already better in the long run.

Can you imagine how easy this is going to be? I CAN! I can’t wait to try out TONS of new recipes and learn even more about the food that I love. There are so many wonderful things you can create from the amazing amounts of fresh vegetables, herbs and fruits! I can’t wait to discover MORE of them! Cooking is definitely a passion but it’s also a journey and an educating experience. A person can go far with their knowledge of food and I have a feeling this is going to get me somewhere. From HEALTHY to HEALTHIER!

Here Goes Nothing!

Phil

Change is continuing to happen in my life, far more than it already has. 2010 was unbelievable and this year is going to be even better. Today, I decided on the next most important step in my life. I am quitting my job and dedicating my time completely to things that make me happy. I will of course, find some forms of work in order to pay bills, but there are a million more important things I can think of that are more valuable, not just to my well-being but also this community, that I could be doing. I strongly dislike excuses and when the only excuse is the inconvenience factor, then there is no excuse. My work with the LGBT Community has sparked old interests and passions that i now see CAN be done. That being said, I hope you walk with me and support me in my journey to impact this community in not just the LGBT community, but Wichita. Anything can be done if you put your mind to it and as long as you’re alive you have the power to continue to change your life and those around you.

Phil

Cold weather always seems to bring unwanted unhappy feelings with it. Loneliness has crept it’s way under my door and created a lingering draft in my home. With warm weather, there are always high spirits, but this winter has stuck around far too long and I find it difficult to warm this place up with happiness. Friends come over, we share good company - but when they step outside and run to their cars to go home to their warm beds, mine continues to remain cold and empty. There is an unexplainable void. A void in the kitchen, a void on the sofa, a void in the next room, a void next to me and a void within me. No matter how many people I put in those places to attempt to fill the void, it still doesnt feel right. They leave at the end of the night and I am left with that empty space beside me, longing for more company.

Generally, I am the person that prefers life without consistency - even amongst people. I prefer to be a one man show, but this last year and the opportunity of a fresh start, has brought out a side of me that even I can’t identify. It’s like hiccups I can’t hide. I try to stifle it - drink water, hold my breathe - count to ten - but as soon as I think I’ve cured it - HICCUP! It’s back. I know it will eventually subside, as normal hiccups do, but I can only hold my breath for so long and surround myself with unfulfilling company before i turn blue.

My actions have been out of the ordinary and I have my good friend, Wine, to thank for that. I have surrounded myself with more than an enough acquaintances and people one would consider ‘friends’ because we go do things together, but I have yet to find a ‘friend.’ ‘THAT friend.’ I have tried, for what feels like my whole life - to find THAT friend. And the ONE person on this Earth that was once in that position - is far away and leads just as busy of a lifestyle as I do. I can’t control that my life is full of work and meetings then squeezing in time for the x amount of friends that I’ve neglected while being busy. As we grow older, it is increasingly more difficult to find close friends - especially ones that you know will be around longer than just a couple of months. There is not a single person that knows “ME.” People know the me that is always out and about, active in the community, compassionate, motivated, strong willed, there for anyone when they need  a shoulder or an ear, constantly smiling or up for a good time. There are depths. I am not that robot some have said I am. There are no programmed dials set to ‘HappyBOT.’ I do get sad but I dont want to be the ‘Debby Downer’ and ruin people’s day with my ‘problems’, so I dont. BUT, I also dont have that person I can call if I DO have a bad day. Yea maybe in casual conversations later on, there will be a slight mention of ‘My day was good, but ugh this girl at work.’ Then - end of conversation or I make a joke out of it to make people smile and get my mind off of it. Other people’s happiness makes me happy, until I am by myself and can no longer hide behind a smile driven by their conversation.

I dont want a companion or a partner, I want a friend. I NEED a friend. A real friend. I only have myself right now and well - we’re working through some issues - so I need an outside opinion. I have walls as strong as the Great Wall built up around me and it’s impossible to break, but there’s a latter at the bottom that is looking just as lonely as the heart inside, so if anyone out there want’s to fight the climb - I’d appreciate it.

Now that I have made you slightly sad with my depressing talk that is never expressed - put away your box of tissues and have a wonderful day! :D Really, please do have a great day!

Phil

On xanga! I guess this is the cool kid xanga these days. I started a tumblr for my organization and have made….2 posts since October - SO we’ll see how this goes.

1st things 1st - I am a private person. I spend everyday writing - but not for public view - so that should also be interesting.

2nd - I have nothing to say.

This is getting a fantastic start already!

:D

Phil